So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
