i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
