She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Randomize
