Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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