did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
