I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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