we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
The uberlube is also flammable
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize
