I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
