If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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