We named our party play list daddy issues
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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