Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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