Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
