Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
