apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
