he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
