You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I can't turn off my feet"
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
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