were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
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