I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
