Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
