I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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