STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
