Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
