I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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