I hate your face
Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
