My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
