Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
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