so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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