Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I need to calm my uterus...
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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