I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
