Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
