i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
