Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
