Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
