New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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