maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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