I wish I could teleport
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
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