I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
You can't just leave with hair like that
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
