I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
