I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Randomize
