My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
