I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Randomize
