i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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