Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
