I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
