I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
