Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
