On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
