I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
normal stoners make pot brownies. gay stoners make pot chocolate covered cherries on a cinnamon graham cracker crust which by the way are very effective.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
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