Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(503): View more from Oregon

I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed

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(845): View more from New York

I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.

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(813): View more from Florida

she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons

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(630): View more from Illinois

He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.

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(229): View more from Georgia

As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time

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(507): View more from Minnesota

THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED

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(360): View more from Washington

I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."

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(317): View more from Indiana

Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows

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