hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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