my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
