just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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