Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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