I'm so fucking centered right now
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
