He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
