Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
i think we sleep fucked last night...
there is another microwave in the elevator.
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