On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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