She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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